My Lightbringer

In nomine Dei nostri, Satanas Luciferi Excelsi


Once again, I shall quote the words from my own song as nothing is ever more fitting....

When I was lost you showed the way,
You were my pillar through the grey
For you were always true and kind and fair - 
Your strength would shine in me inside,
Into my life you brought the light - 
That's why I call your name, oh, ave Ea....


You know, I believe spiritual art speaks of itself.... yet I always feel the need to also put in words all of this inside of me which has driven me, moved me, inspired me and tormented me while creating it.

Many things happened in my life recently. Some were good, others not so much. Many of them, however, were quite striking and emotional in either direction, or both, and for a turbulent nature such as mine the impact of all that makes tempests of various color rage and swirl on the inside. Often times this reflects in turbulent dreams as well. Most of the time they are just a raw and messy nightmarish subconscious material, but sometimes, although rarely, something more and much more meaningful occurs. There was a period some weeks ago when I had a lot of remarkable dreams. And while nightmares is usually the short way to describe them all, there was more to them. Also a lot of good. Yes, some of my nightmares are actually quite good - or I turn them so if need be. But there was one dream.... one which stood out. I don't really remember it. Maybe there was nothing much in it at all. Except for one bit which I remember clearly even now.

It was a drawing. One that, in the dream, I had drawn, but also not. It was bestowed upon me, even though it was definitely mine. In it, there was nothing else, just me and Him. Lucifer.
I woke up remembering nothing else, but the drawing. The drawing was clear in my mind. I knew I had to make it real. I wanted to.

I remember what it looked like in the dream - and I also remember the way I kept describing it to my friends to whom I told about the dream, for it was quite something. At first I actually didn't know how to describe it. I wasn't sure - was it in color? Was it in pencil really? All I knew was that it was traditional because I remembered the white sheet on which it was made. As I gazed deeper into the dream memory, I realized it was in fact only a sketch. A line-art drawing like the hundreds and hundreds drawings of Him I had been making in my teen years. It was just that.... but also not. Somehow, it had the feeling of color. And of light.
As soon as I realized that, it put me in quite an impossible situation - I wanted to draw it for real, but how? In dreams, such things are possible, but in reality I cannot draw with light, I cannot give the shapes a feeling of color without using any. But well, the determination and drive to draw it was so strong that I started sketching nonetheless, as fearfully and timidly as ever - because doesn't it always feel the same when I start a new drawing of Him. I love drawing Him more than anything, and yet each and every time I start a new work, I am terrified and aching, like every new line is painful to draw, like my mind is frozen in terror - what if this time I don't manage to recreate what I see in my mind? Where He is concerned, this is incredibly important. And this time, I started it fully realizing that what I want to draw is impossible to begin with. But I started it nevertheless, thinking, I'll figure something out. Perhaps hoping that my strange traditional skills will offer the solution to the impossible task. To tell you honestly, I often get frustrated by the fact that pencil drawings sometimes turn out too pale, their colors not solid, not real enough. Well.... this was a strange turn of the tide then, because it is exactly these dubious properties of my pencil drawings that made it work in the end.

It probably took about 2 weeks altogether to draw it. Part of the reason is that I initially started it on my default 20 x 30 size paper, but later I decided this drawing deserves more, so I started it over on a bigger sheet. For most of that time I was doing barely a few lines at a time, taking much longer with the line-art than I really needed to. For one thing, I wanted it to be perfect, but for another I was terrified of the moment I would finish it and have to move on to the next phase. For the longest time I couldn't even decide how to continue the drawing at all. Should I only do pencil shading, should I do color, should I combine both somehow.... Eventually it occurred to me that I can experiment some on the small sketch before I decide for real. I still thought I would need days, maybe weeks more.... but then suddenly the night before something happened. I started drawing, not even caring that the lamp light is more than unsuitable for such pale and warm colors, and.... just within a couple of hours, I finished it. Within a breath. Just like that. Once I started drawing that night, it felt like it started drawing itself. I didn't hesitate anymore. I didn't fear. I just knew I'm doing it the right way. All of a sudden I knew exactly what I want to do with it and exactly how to do it. And.... it worked.




Now, I don't consider myself a great traditional artist or anything. But I think what was in my dream and seemed impossible to make real.... I somehow made it. The feeling, the color, the light.... This isn't the drawing that I saw in my dream - but it is a very powerful real version of it and in some ways it's even better. And the feeling of it may not be the same from the dream which inspired it.... but it's one of the most personal things I've ever managed to put on a sheet.

What it means.... if you cannot read it from the image itself, you won't be able to read it from my words either, so I won't even try....
Lucifer. My Light. My Life. I will never forget the first time I saw Him with my own eyes - in that moment when I truly learned why they call Him that. Lucifer. This drawing is not this moment, but it is closer to the feeling of it than anything else I've ever drawn until now. His Light that I will never forget and that will always guide me. It feels beautiful, fulfulling and at the same time sweetly painful to lay that memory, that feeling, onto a sheet of paper. Because some things are simply so beautiful that it hurts. And yet.... I cannot look away. I never wanted to, either.

In the dream, I saw only some details, and I've tried to recreate most of them here. In the dream, He had wings. In reality He seldom does, but they are there in those moments when I need His guidance and Light to inspire strength in me. Wings of feather, bright and shining, are something He does not allow always to be seen, yet I so love it when He does. Drawing them properly was also one of the challenges for my skills in this piece, but I took it happily and I think I did decently. Once again, I am learning how to draw, by learning how to draw Him. Wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that most of what I've ever learned about how to draw a figure I learned so that I can draw Him as majestic and beautiful as I've always seen and imagined Him since long, long ago. And the wings.... the wings.... Wings are my thing, I am a creature of wings, and yet the wings of a Demon or His always, always stood out.... those beautiful, powerful wings....
The only thing I added, without being entirely sure I should, was the Hellfire. The beloved Blue Flames. But it has become a tradition for me lately, the Blue Flames are always there when I draw a deeply spiritual piece related to Hell or to Him. So it seemed just too fitting. I am glad I did. I like the frame they make, even if they aren't very clear against me in particular, but then I like them as a subtle detail, one which doesn't draw too much attention towards itself, but adds to the feeling as a whole. Besides, the most direct and literal connection to Hell is always welcome in my spiritual works.


2B, technical pencil and color pencils.
30 x 37 cm. Time unknown.

One last thing. The Pentagram. I always draw Him with one. I am aggrieved to say that with all the lies against Him, I even felt that I had to draw it here as well so that He is even recognized.... I will not get into that and I do not invite anyone else to. Suffice is to say, the Pentagram is there for a reason and I left it dark and prominent for a reason too, even if this makes it contrast a bit too harshly with the rest of the drawing. But this way it will be noticed.
As for myself.... I always draw myself with a Pentagram as well. This time, I hesitated a lot, but in the end I followed my heart and decided against it. I am not sure why. However, I liked the feeling of purity and innocence of a being without an allegiance, an ensign or belonging, but still coming to Him to embrace His Light. A bond that doesn't even need a symbol. This has a deep personal meaning to me.


And then into the day I die
Your name shall be my final sigh - 
Then I'll return to you, oh, ave Ea....

Ave Satanas Luciferi




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IMPORTANT NOTICE
My Lord Satan Lucifer is The Lord of the Demons and The Ruler of Hell.
He is not associated with any xtian entities in any way, He is NOT an "angel" and He never was.

Any allusions along those lines, from anyone at all, are very likely to result in an immediate ban from my page.


Any comments that I find disrespectful, offensive or abusive in any way, will be erased indiscriminatively.
This portrait is a tribute to my one True God and I shall absolutely not tolerate words of blasphemy here.

Also, DO NOT use without my written permission!